CH 94: How Marcus Can Royally Fuckup!

Hi Guys, it’s me, long lost Marcus writing this time.

I have missed writing for the blog, but at least Larry has jumped in often and kept the blog alive. We are still capturing the imagination of many men from around the world, and that makes me happy. Not all gay love stories need to end in sadness or grief, I believe life can be difficult for many guys, however, Larry and I together are doing better than okay. (Sorry about no pictures this time, I might add some later if I find something to use.)

But there is a ‘however’ in our story lately and since this chapter is about how Marcus, me, can fuckup something good. I hate to think about it! So, this is an apology letter to someone I dearly love and cannot imagine a day without him.

I’ve written so many chapters over the years; it would take me too long to read everything I wrote to not repeat something already covered. So, I’ll watch out as I write to not rewrite our history unless it’s important.

I know one thing that has affected me more than it has for Larry, I was not ready to retire so early. Considering that our Pops still has his hand in what he has done for decades. He sold his business, but it does not mean anything, his connections are still out there and available. He still handles our finances because he’s the pro and has been taking care of us for years. As for me, it’s been my whole life from before birth to now. Pops was the business partner for my parents' musical career. He still works with the band members who allow him to do that including Bill and Tony, who we call our ‘uncles’ often. I’d might talk a little about them later in my chapter, if I don’t write a novel!

Back to my former life, there is a lot that has not been written yet, and I’ll decide whether I’ll get into it deeply, however, it does have a significant role in one of my fuckups. Okay, if you’ve been reading our blog, someplace you have found out that I am having a trying time coming out of the closet here in Northern California, specifically, Sacramento. What you may not know about me is that I’ve considered getting into politics a lot more than I’ve been for years. I’ve been encouraged to run for office, I’m not that old yet, well, I’ll be 64 in June of this year. I’ve made more than enough connections and respect to bank on. Pops would pull out every connection needed if I told him I was interested. 

I’ll get into my current relationship with my ex-wife Lisa as well so you might know what I’m going through. Oh, there’s a lot more than the pipe dream of running a political race. Just in case you’ve missed this, Larry and I are Democrats, Pops will only claim being an Independent, but he is a closet liberal for sure. I have Party support that I can count on if I so choose. But there is something else even more important that I did this last year. I connected with a university to teach some online courses. My first was on Project Management where I have more than enough background to pull it off. What I did not count on as more important than not, writing my own material to teach from. Also, the lectures which I video, and audio podcasts take an enormous amount of time and effort. Which, if I was alone, would not be such a problem. I am not alone, I live with my husband, and I have not considered how much time doing this would affect him. Yes, a real fuckup!

Larry has been more than patient with me on this; he wants me to succeed as much as I do myself. I have let him drag me out of the office when I am so into the prep work that I forget how much time that has elapsed being in there. One of the perks of having such a loving man in my life, he has found a way to be a part of the process. He has often been my camera operator for the videos so that the camera is not just sitting on a tripod on my desk. He’s really fucking good at that too; my lectures can catch me sitting at my desk or walking to a white board on an easel. More power to my husband finding a way to be a part of the growing nightmare I got myself into.

If you have read any of Larry’s chapters or what I might have written about him, what I’m about to tell you will not shock you. One of the filming days, Larry suggested that I should film a lecture from my desk without wearing any pants. We both laughed at the idea; well, I laughed but he was working out a plan on how to pull it off. I normally wear a dress shirt and tie, and sometimes a suit jacket to finish the look. He figured out that if I didn’t have pants on, my shirt and tie would loosen and look unprofessional. I do not wear form-fitting shirts to start with; there is only one man here that can pull that look off, and that is not me! So, he picked out one of my expensive collared polo shirts to wear under a suit jacket. A pleasant change up I thought, however, I had to do a camera check sitting without any pants on at all, and I was pulling that off well. Larry said the polo shirt draped naturally on me when seen on the camera screen. He even placed a nice bath towel on my desk chair so I wouldn’t make any bare ass sounds against the wood. Somehow, I really wanted to see if we could pull this off, but I also thought the result would be only outtakes for ourselves, not a part of the filmed lecture.

If you think that’s all that happened, you do not know my husband very well. The camera was on its tripod aimed at me sitting at my desk. We do make many stops in the filming so the editing will go easy for us. Yes, us, Larry helps me with the editing most of the time. Once I hit my stride with an important segment of the lecture, Larry moved away from behind the camera, something that he has done often in the past. Maybe he was off to take a piss in our office bathroom, he’d be back soon, right? I don’t always look directly into the camera; it makes sense to change up where my gaze is directed. Well, Larry wasn’t in the bathroom, he was under my desk, not that I knew that right away, he was very stealthy getting there. How did I know he was there? Well, a very warm mouth seemed to find a very cold dick needing to be warmed up. To tell the truth, a little ball licking preceded his end target. Fortunately for me, Larry found out years ago that he really loves dick, my dick, and my dick really loves Larry!

You need to know, I really tried to pull this off for him, but there was some very curious laughter that had nothing to do with my topic that needed to be edited out. There were multiple giggles and body twitches following the laughter as well. It would be nice to say that I only needed one attempt to pull this off for him, yeah, that would have been nice. We had our belly laughs, and it was impossible for me to stifle my laughter.

I’m not that dense, I knew right from the first ball lick that Larry was going to make it hard for me to not laugh uncontrollably, what can I say, he can be such a clown that he makes me laugh all the time. Without saying anything to him, I wanted to see exactly what he had in mind for me; I wasn’t too far off in my imagination. I must tell you, with some selective and tight editing, we did pull it off. Now did the entire lecture get finished in one afternoon session? What do you think? That should be easy to figure out. 

Considering the amount of time editing the segment of strange laughter and giggles, I do not think anyone could tell that I was naked from the waist down, and that I had one of Larry’s best blow jobs to date. Was it a ‘happy ending’ for either of us? Know that’s a given! However, I suggested a proper and comfortable place. Larry agreed immediately and chose the empty corner of our office; a place that has not seen much activity from us in some time. He made it known to me that he didn’t work on getting my dick that hard just not to use it properly on him. Perhaps, better said, in him. The location has great significance for us anyway. I told him that I’d grab a condom and some lube from the desk drawer, he said, “Not needed Sweetbabes, I took care of business earlier." He was all about this and I had no plans to hinder that, I just needed to keep my boner active, not a problem. Upon reflection now that I’m writing about that day, I do believe the intensity of the moment for both of us, was equal or better than the first few times we determined a special place for sex in the office.

Will we repeat that fun again one day, who knows with Larry, we might. For me, it was exactly what I needed to see how getting back to work affected my husband. I’m grateful that he has willingly jumped in and started to help me with the process of filming and creating audiocasts as well. I’m glad that this has been his idea, I have not conned him into doing any of this for me. It shows me how much being a part of each other’s life outside the bedroom is necessary. Our lives have changed so much in the last few years, the change alone is the ‘happy ending’ we could ever expect. We waited a long time to get to this point, and I’m not letting it go, not if I can help it.

STILL MY GOOD FRIEND, MY EX-WIFE LISA

It might be hard to believe, but I’m still good friends with my ex-wife. I can’t say the same about Larry and Ellen though. I can tell you a little, but it’s up to Larry to address this if he’d like to do so.

A little history for those who haven’t read any of our older chapters dealing with our ‘straight’ lives. Lisa was my ‘study-buddy’ while we were getting our MBA’s years ago. We liked each other but kept the relationship professional; one day in the future we might need to call up that friendship in business. We never lost contact with each other after graduate school; contact was always casual but friendly. It was years later that we found ourselves in a situation that ended in our marriage of convenience.

We had a very unconventional marriage compared to most couples, we both needed something and we were both able to accommodate those needs. Lisa was experiencing roadblocks trying to advance her business career. I, on the other hand, was advised by my direct boss, Pops, that my ‘womanizing’ (insert laughter here), was not what he expected from his potential Operations Officer. You see, many corporate and charitable events were held in the estate that I was allowed to live in as a perk. I had no difficulty getting a ‘date’ to help me host these events. Usually, it was someone I knew from the corporation or elsewhere, it didn’t matter much to me. I knew deep down, I wasn’t looking for a relationship, just someone attractive to have on my arm while ‘schmoozing’ with the crowd. Don’t get me wrong, I love being seen with an attractive outgoing woman, and I should say that Lisa is a beautiful woman, even as we both are aging, she’s a knockout. And I should add that Larry’s wife Ellen is just as pretty. Don’t let that make me sound shallow, okay, it’s just a fact that our wives are natively attractive without a ton of makeup. 

Let’s get back to Lisa and myself, we both had secrets we were keeping, some secrets made a ‘prenup’ necessary for both of us before we entered our marriage contract. Since we live in a Community Property state, and I eventually was given the ownership of the mansion, it had to remain property that was protected. Lisa had many holdings that were to remain in her custody. So, nothing was a problem for us, in and out of the marriage. 

I never mentioned to anyone, especially Lisa or Pops that I have always been attracted to guys, even as a teenager. That I even attempted to attract a man for sex. I did a few times between marriages; however, it never worked out for me. No one I ever had sex with cared enough to see that I could reach orgasm as well. It was always a good blowjob, at least I thought I was good at it because no one ever failed to cum. But when I thought that maybe the favor would be returned to me, it was, “Sorry, I need to go, maybe another time, huh?” As if that was ever going to be the case, certainly, I’d never fall for that again from him. This wasn’t a onetime event, it happened a few times before, I just gave up as I’m not what other gay men want to be with. What is more likely the case, for me, is that the men I was attracted to that allowed me to suck their dicks, were good looking straight men. The problem as I reflect upon it today, is that not only were these straight looking guys, but they were exactly that, straight men looking for a blowjob that they couldn’t get from women or were afraid to ask for. So, they would seek gay men to do what gay men could do very well.

I just kept my sexual desires to myself and returned to the closet, I always had my fantasies and jerking off as often as I needed. OMG, did that escalate when I met Mark (Larry) the first time, I now had this gorgeous face on a real man to add to my increased jerk off sessions. It’s insane to think about how many years it stayed that way too. Seven years and nine months later, a camping trip changed everything. It might me insane or stupid to think that, but the attraction was so strong I’d let nothing ever make it go away. At least I thought so; we did get close to that happening though as most of our readers know.

That Lisa and Ellen were more than just business friends, was a shock to both Larry and me, I thought I was good at keeping my secret, they were much better. If we were more like our wives, we should have zoned in on how much they wanted us to have that trip to the lake and woods so many years ago. Funny, thinking about it years later, our second longer trip to Big Sur had them helping us plan and executing the trip harder than the first trip. As men, we were thinking that we were getting away with something that they would never suspect. Talk about being dense, huh? I don’t even want to get into the cruise and how hard we tried to get our time together, still not getting a clue how much they wanted the same thing. It’s easy to laugh now, how naïve we were.

Briefly, about Larry and Ellen because that’s his story to tell. There is still some hurt that Larry is feeling and it’s complicated I know. They were so young when they got married and it was their first love for both of them, and their marriage lasted for many years. Larry as you should know had no same sex experiences and lived a straight life without thought. The difference between the both of us is that I ‘acted the straight life.’ I knew who lived inside of me since I was a teen, and I couldn’t make it go away. I buried it the best I knew how to do.

Lisa and Ellen are living together in a beautiful new loft building in Sacramento. They have been since selling the house to Pops, that’s a whole different story that one day I or Larry might write about. According to what Lisa has admitted to me recently, there has been some backlash they’ve received that is not welcomed in their business world. Discrimination is affecting them, and she needed a shoulder to lean upon, something we were both good at for each other during the years together. Frankly, but I can’t guarantee that I’m right, I do believe there is a little jealousy involved, especially how well Larry and I have been handling our marriage. The love we have for each other is so palpable that it cannot be ignored when observed. Sometimes, just getting on the phone for a little visit has been helpful for Lisa, I can’t say that I’ve called her in the same way. I have the love of my life here with me and we have no problem opening to each other anytime we wish.

SO, WHERE’S THE FUCK UP GUYS?

It’s always the same thing, when I’m here in the Sacramento area, I’m still in the closet, and Larry is not! Come on, we are not closet queens, we are just another couple of bros, guy friends when we are out shopping or whatever in public. However, there are things that we do together when we are not here at our home base. We hold hands while walking quite often, we sometimes have an arm around each other if not holding hands. Do we sneak a kiss, sure enough, if we think it’s safe to do so. We are not looking to start trouble or cause a scene; we are still a private married couple very much in love with each other. And we are proud of that. 

We have spent many months in Mexico, mostly Puerto Vallarta, a city that welcomes gays with open arms. We both love it there during the cooler months, we are both not fans of high humidity and heat, so summer is a no-go timeframe. I told Larry that it will be okay with me if he wants to start writing about our PV experiences. I just wanted it to be a part of our honeymoon. Actually, we’ve been living and loving each other since Covid time, the honeymoon was to celebrate our marriage. And give me the time away from being known so well and not wanting to address the gay guy inside me.

We met some really cool guys, both older and slightly younger than ourselves, that I could see us keeping in touch with. Especially, the couple we met from San Diego. Without stepping on what Larry might want to write about, we did get to visit them at their condo in San Diego on one of our trips back home to Sacramento. We offered our home in Granite Bay, as a place for them to stay if they desired to visit us or head to Reno. I really do believe they will take us up on it after Larry filled them in on our living conditions here. Hell, I would after the selling job he gave them about our place. He even warned them about our rule of only naked swimming here. That did not escape them upon the telling, I checked their eyebrows, it told a story! There was another couple who had just got married and they live in Texas, they didn’t have as much time to visit with us, since their trip was for only a few days. They were slightly older than us and I would love to reconnect with them as well. There’s more to say, but I promised Larry that it could be his story to tell.

So, what’s the problem? Me, I’m the problem! I can be so open and enthusiastically gay away from home and then need to return to the closet when here. I’d be pissed off at me as well. I hate me for feeling this way. But we love our home here, it’s always been too big for one or even the both of us, but now we have Larry’s son and family that visits us often, also including Pops, Tony, and Bill. Everyone I mentioned so far are fine with our marriage and I’m quite open and happy to be who I am around them. But once it involves outsiders, especially those I have done business with, or my university students, I retreat into my safe self, otherwise known as back into the closet.

So, think about it, I am a nutcase over coming out to the people who know me so well, and I do not want to be known as the ‘gay business professor.’ What or who I am beyond teaching, or if I get into state politics, is my business. I guess the main fuck up is all the above, getting into politics, why? Getting back to teaching, why? I have everything I could ever need; I’m not hurting for anything except being comfortable with who I am, living in my own town. And I don’t know how to make it better, other than giving up teaching, forgetting about politics, and just getting naked in the pool with my babe. I guess, I just want to feel like I’m doing something important. Perhaps, just perhaps, I should join my husband with his volunteering, that’s very important to him, and it should be to me as well. Maybe, I found the answer after all.

Thanks for reading guys!

Marcus

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