Larry’s 2nd Posting: Another Look

Hi, I’m “Larry” and this is my second try at posting on our blog. Thank you for reading my first attempt at this and it really felt so nice reading your comments back to me too. This time I’m writing about a couple of stories from our lake cabin trip that I remember pretty good after reading them again. I asked Marc if he could put some of the pictures he used in those stories if he still had them. I hope you don't mind that I'm trying to copy Marc's style for the Blog, maybe it will make me look I know what the fuck I'm doing! Oh yeah, I found out I don't know how to use commas very well, and I'm not telling you all the other stuff MS Word almost yelled at me for. Damn!

I’m going to apologize to you up front, I kinda wrote about myself, maybe too much. I’ve been doing a lot of thinking about us lately, nothing bad, just stuff. And I got carried away I guess. I don’t think I’ll ever get to be as good a writer as my buddy, but I guess you’ll know that soon enough. And I used the way Marc uses bold words when he changed what he was writing about. I’m trying to help you follow what I decided to write about. A lot of different stuff popped into my head when I started to write this, so I hope you don’t mind. I might want to write again if you really want me to.

IT’S HOW WE TALK NOW

After I read my first post again and your comments too, I thought there must be some things Marc hasn’t said much about us yet. I had to laugh to myself once I thought about this. Marcus thought I was being such a “goodie 2 shoes” on swearing around him. You know, we never spent much time talking about this ourselves too, so maybe that’s why he didn’t write about it often. That’s okay, I can tell you here. I’ve been in the construction trade in different rolls for a long time. And please, I know you know about my past problems, but never as a drunk, that’s the truth. Anyway, I’ve worked with guys who’s “street talk” is all they know. I also worked with a guy who could use more “fucks” in one sentence than I ever heard in my life. I bet you know someone like him too. That got to be pretty normal to hear all day when our ear protection was off. I don’t have a problem with talking like that except when it’s used in public without concern about the kids or women who don’t need to hear us. I think the guys that talk that way have no idea they are doing it. It’s just bullshitting or sometimes blowing off steam, I guess.

Maybe I need to tell you more why I didn’t swear in front of him, even though he swears around me. Anyway, I knew Marcus was way different from the guys I worked with all the time. I don’t mean he was weird or anything like that, he always sounded more educated to me when he talks. And sometimes he used words I had no idea what the fuck they meant, so I had to ask my iPhone’s Siri to find out what the word meant. My iPhone is pretty damn smart!

Marcus did tell me that he was a high school art teacher years ago. I really respected that he was a school teacher so much that I was afraid to talk like we did at work around him. If you have read enough of his chapters, you probably know I brought the fun of “ball busting” from work to use with him. That was as brave as I got to be me for a long time with him. Anyway, my not swearing when he did, became my private ball busting thing for him. Marc is no way near that bad at swearing anyway, my guys could bury him in curse words in a minute. It was fun watching him squirm for a while, wondering if he should clean up his language. I bet he thought I was a grown up “Alter Boy”; we are both non-practicing Catholic guys. I did eventually give up my act, but I don’t remember just when. Marc is going to learn about this by reading it here with you guys. I hope he takes it as the longest ball busting, he got from me to date, but he’ll probably make me pay the price later. Bring it on good buddy, I can take it!

To be fair to my buddy, Marc has to watch so much stuff he says and does because of his job, just one more big difference between us. But being around me, he doesn’t have to worry about any of that at all. The funniest thing about swearing around him, yes, I know he calls them just words, he thinks he taught me to be comfortable to say “big boy” words like fuck around him. Isn’t that a sweet and innocent thing from him? I sometimes wondered how he thought I survived with my co-workers. But I really do get why he swears like he does though, for him it’s like stripping off his “work clothes,” the stupid tie and dress shirt and pants. The office time is over, and now it’s time to be himself. So, when you see him using street language in the chapters, it’s his way of being off the clock. Besides, I could teach him a few curses he’s probably never heard before. No, I won’t do that, I love him just the way he is! I bet I know what he’s going to be talking to me about as soon as he reads this though!

I HOPE YOU DON’T MIND READING THIS ABOUT ME

I’m going to try and tell you something about myself that some of you guys might be wondering about. I think about this all the time myself. How the fuck does a guy who’s been straight married for 33 years, fall for a guy like I did? If you think I had some sleepless nights over this for years, I did. I can’t speak for Marcus on how he managed it, that’s something he’ll have to write about, if he wants to do that.

I didn’t just fall in love with him if you are thinking that. But I really did want him as my true friend. Believe me or not, I never thought I would end up having some kind of sex with him back years ago. Although that didn’t stop me from thinking about him while privately jacking-off. I know now from reading the blog that he used to fantasize about me in his shower when he jacked-off himself.  However, all that stuff was private to just ourselves for years. If he didn’t put it in the blog, I’d never know that myself. I’m glad we can talk about stuff like this now though. We are not the same guys we used to be any longer, I’m glad too.

This might be funny for you guys to know about us. When all four of us would be together someplace, maybe I might ball bust Marcus on something silly, you know nothing serious, kind of private between us to laugh over later or maybe arm punch each other. And then my wife Ellen would come to Marc’s defense, like he fucking needed it! She would tell me to stop being mean to “Markie”. She didn’t get the idea of ball busting at all, still doesn’t, it’s not a woman’s thing, I guess. Marcus told her that it meant we loved each other enough to have fun at each other expense like that. I told her that if I didn’t love him like I did, I’d just ignore him like he didn’t exist. She still doesn’t get it! Good, one less thing we have to explain any more with them! But I notice we rarely do that anymore. Maybe the ball busting comments was all the sex we weren’t having? Look at me trying to think like my good buddy! I told you he’s rubbing off on me. I don’t think that’s so bad huh.

Anyway, now I am getting just like him by straying off the subject too much. How did I go from living and loving a woman almost my whole fucking life, to loving a man so much that I’m facing the biggest fucking decision in my life? I think my buddy is thinking the same thing too, even though we haven’t spent much time talking this through. I’m sure that’s going to be coming up soon.

It’s easy to place the blame for what’s happening with us on someone else, maybe my cooled-down wife for example, but I’m just as responsible myself. I can’t place the blame on my buddy, he did nothing to force me into the relationship that’s going on between us right now. I want what we have more than anything else. I’m fairly sure he does too though.

Neither one of us tried to change anything between us for years. Maybe I chased him away by being stupid how I talked around him. I was afraid he’d reject me if he knew how attracted I was to him. Maybe he’d think I wanted to jump in bed with him, I really didn’t. I just wanted to hang around with him, he was so fascinating to know. He’s done so much in his life that I wanted to learn more about. You know he likes to talk, and I got him to tell me a lot of stuff. Maybe that’s why he thought I didn’t like to talk very much. His stories just made me want to hang around with him and listen even more. 

Marc and I had known each other for maybe over five years at this point. We were better than just friends, we were best friends and I knew he felt that way too. But every time we got together without our wives it was getting harder for me to not show how much he meant to me. I got him to like hugging hello and goodbye with me, but now the hugs were lasting longer and sometimes he’d kiss me on the cheek or my ear at the goodbye. I started doing the same after that too. There was this day-off coffee date I remember way too well. We got back home, and he had just parked his car in the garage, and we were saying our goodbyes with our hugs. We pushed our heads back while still hugging and just started looking into each other’s eyes. We knew it would be a couple of weeks before we would be going for coffee again. I don’t know what came over me, but I kissed him and not just on his cheek, it was right on his lips. We broke our hug hold immediately and said our “see you later bro” goodbyes. And I hightailed it back to my house. I never looked back at him, I just raised my arm up to wave goodbye, and I thought that was going to be goodbye to my buddy forever.

I was terrified for days that I blew it, but it just happened. I didn’t think about it first. Maybe because I knew it would be a couple of weeks before I saw him again for coffee on my day off. I was so afraid that Marc would hate that I kissed him, even though it was like my wife says, just “a peck” on the lips. I didn’t contact him at all during the two weeks, maybe he’d forget I did that. I guess he did, because he never said a word about it, ever, even up to today. But I never did that again and I stopped the kiss on the cheek too. Now I think that’s when our close friendship was starting to fade away, at least in my mind it was.

Marcus never did or say anything to suggest we were over as friends, but in my fucked-up mind it just got worse. I began to realize I kissed him because I couldn’t hide my attraction to him any longer. Maybe I wanted something much more, maybe I did want to be in bed with him. Now I was afraid that maybe I’d do something far worse than a little peck on the lips next time. Marcus had a lot to lose if he messed up his marriage and his role at work. I remembered what he said on how his company felt about gays. Maybe that’s why I started using my anti-gay shit more with him. I don’t know, but I needed to hide myself quickly if I wanted us to remain best friends. Stupid me I made it worse by staying away and later talking more bullshit around us. I read in the chapters that Lisa thought I was hiding behind my comments, that nobody believed my bullshit. She even warned Marcus about me, to watch out for himself. Man, nothing gets past her, no wonder Marcus acts like he does around her. They probably were making fun of me behind my back too. There was no end of how I was putting myself down and heading for trouble.

I actually got myself almost into a state of depression that made me think about drinking again. But my whole insides said that would disrespect Marcus so much for believing in me for years. I fucking struggled with this for a couple of years too. I started to go back to meetings regularly, life was so good with Marcus as my first real friend, I just couldn’t lose him. I don’t understand any of this at all, I loved my wife and family and yet I’d only stay sober for a while. I don’t know how many times I lost my battle, but this time I had to fight for him. He believed in me more than I did, I loved him so much and I didn’t know how to tell him, or God forbid show him. You know that day in February when we finally met again over coffee to hear about his dream, it put everything into place. He was saving me once again.

Knowing everything I just wrote about Marc; I’m still trying to figure out how I went from straight married to not knowing how I can live without him. I know that I was tired of trying to have sex with my wife and being turned down more often than not. Maybe I don’t know how to be a good lover anymore, but I don’t have a problem with Marc. I told him about my miserable sad sex life and said it was okay to tell you guys if he wanted. Maybe there would be guys that read our journal that are having the same bad luck. We all know that Marc has a similar problem because he wrote about it. 

I should tell you that there’s one thing that never stopped, even when we hardly got together the last couple of years, was my fantasy sex life that was including him more and more. I will try not to make myself embarrassed by saying this to you, I hope. Before our trip to the lake cabin, my fantasies included imagining my buddy all naked with me in his pool, but that never happened until after the trip together. My fascination about how his cock might look, or felt like, got stronger than ever before. I never fantasized about being the bottom in my fuck dreams, I felt natural in the top role. What else did I know anyway. I was dreaming about him playing with me now and I’d be letting him have his way with me, and I let him fuck me if he wanted. The more I had these daydreams the more I felt I needed to stay away from him. Marcus never gave me one little clue he’d like to have a buddy like I was in my daydream fantasy. Not once that I can remember. Maybe if he did, he will tell me when he reads this.

So, did I get the answer I’m looking for? I know I’m physically attracted to his looks, and his mind. And I’m grateful for his support over the years, especially how he has made me not hate myself anymore. I love that he’s letting me take care of him when they let him get his knee replaced sometime this year too. I love having sex now without all the nagging about it, and I love giving myself to him for what he wants. Is all of that what it takes to change 33 years of sexual orientation? Maybe you can tell me, my head fucking hurts thinking about it. But one day a decision will be made one way or the other. I know I don’t want what we have to end.

HOW HORNY WORKS FOR US

Maybe it’s time to think about something else for a while. Don’t ever think that anything I write to you is supposed to replace Marc’s stories. I’m just trying to tell you what was going on in my head at the time, or how I remembered it.

I thought I should go back and read the first few short chapters Marc wrote about our Lake trip to see if I remembered anything different than he did. I guess you know I didn’t actually read these chapters when you may have. It was not until sometime later when he told me about the blog while we were on our second trip together.

Maybe Marc was more than a “little horny” when he wrote those pages. I guess that was okay since he was writing an “erotic” story about two regular guys that turned out to be us. You know I still don’t know the difference between “erotic” and “porn” yet. They both will get me hard. Anyway, in chapter three we were in the shower of the cabin and fucked each other for the very first time ever. That’s really where it happened, I won’t forget that at all. After reading over 67 chapters of Marc’s words I can actually talk about fucking him without getting all embarrassed anymore. Just thinking about writing that to you a year ago would have me back buried in a dark closet until it was safe again! 

While we were in the shower “fooling around”, more than cleaning ourselves. I guess if we only had cleaning in mind, we would have taken separate showers. It was all Marc’s fault, he started it, but I didn’t stop him though. He started playing with my asshole and stuck his soapy finger deep inside me, like he was my doctor doing an exam. Only this time it felt good and made me get harder than I was already. I guess I got kind of aggressive with him because I turned him around and did the same thing to him. Except I got carried away, but he didn’t stop me. The next thing I remember was replacing my fingers with my hard dick, and it felt so good and exciting doing it with my best friend! Marcus must have felt really good by what I was doing with him, because he told me to fuck him even harder. I had no idea how it felt for him and I was scared to death of hurting him, we never talked before about doing this, it just happened.

When common sense finally returned to me, guess when that happened? I wondered what the fuck I had done, man I wasn’t thinking about what that could mean for us, but once it started, I couldn’t stop. And I wasn’t going to stop until my dick told me to stop. I know my buddy was moaning in a way that told me that I must have felt really good inside him. Now I remember that after a couple sexier moans from him, I reached around him and started jacking his cock too, man, there wasn’t any thinking, just doing, back that day.

I knew one thing right after I came, I fucking never felt that good or excited before, this was a whole new ball game. I know I said common sense came back, but only for a little bit. After I was back to breathing normal again, all I could think about was wanting to feel like he did too, it’s only fair. I don’t think I was thinking fair back then though. But what if it really fucking hurts and he’s not letting me know. As I’m recalling that time writing this, I do remember thinking I didn’t give a shit if it hurt, if I chicken out what does that say about me as his buddy? Maybe it should fucking hurt really bad and we won’t do that ever again. Well, my buddy wasn’t going to make it hurt, he was very considerate. 

You know what’s cool to me about this part of his story? He wrote about us the very first time we made love to each other. Maybe it was just fucking, and the love part came later? Maybe it’s both. I’m okay that he shared it with you guys now. Look at me I’m writing about it to you as well. Maybe if it was just a one time only thing, I might feel way differently about it, especially the part of telling you guys. I was a way different guy back then from who I am now. You guys that have read all of Marc’s stories, watched me grow up. I guess that’s what it was, growing up. 

I read his stories more than once sometimes, but mostly to see when I started to change into his “Larry”. I know this for sure, that I wasn’t “Larry” at the lake cabin just yet, that was still the old me, the guy who hasn’t even told you his real first name so far. Marc will tell me when I can tell you, he has his reasons. I do know when I kind of liked the idea of being his “Larry” for real happened though, it was on our second trip together to Big Sur. That’s when I was told that his short story became a journal about “Marcus and Larry”. It took a bit longer for me to understand, I just made the connection that “Larry” was really me with a new name, and Marcus was him. Don’t think that I just dismissed those guys away, I couldn’t wait to go home and read his stories online with pictures this time. Man, those fucking pictures really added something to the stories, now I had a lot more more to get embarrassed about. 

I spent years not liking myself for too many reasons, now I got to know myself through my buddy’s eyes and heart in the journal. This “Larry” character was easier for me to like than myself. I wanted to act more like “Larry” than me when I was around Marc. He even got me to accept how I looked; I don’t even think about it anymore until I read about it in the chapters. It was getting pretty easy being “Larry” with Marcus more and more until one day I knew I had to tell him. I didn’t want to be “____” anymore around him, I wanted him to call me “Larry” for real when we were together. I liked “Larry” a helluva lot more than me, maybe we are the same guy, but “Larry” was defined by the greatest best friend a guy could ever have, and I had to be him not me.

MAKING IT LEGAL

I don’t think you know how hard it was trying to become “Larry” legally though. I don’t have a middle name that I know of at all, so since Marcus is my buddy’s real middle name, I wanted Larry to be my legal middle name. I went downtown to get the paperwork and then found out that to add a name to myself meant every legal document I’m apart of had to be changed and recorded too. That meant my wife would be involved and I don’t want her or Lisa to know I’m Larry. Larry belongs to my buddy only. I was told I could have “Larry” as my middle name without difficulty, just call myself “Larry.” So, I had to tell Marc my gift to him was not going to be a legal one, but my heart would have to do instead. He’s okay with that, just like he was okay with me wanting him to call me that for real when together. I think I made him cry a bit over that too. Imagine, grown-ass middle-aged men always getting emotional, what the fuck is that about, huh?

Maybe I drove the “Larry” thing into the ground by now for you. I just wanted you to know how much it really means to me to be Marc’s “Larry”. You should know that Marc’s real first name is never used by me anymore except in front of our wives right now. I think that the "Marcus" name fits him beautifully, much more than his common first name. I hope he lets me tell you the story about our real names some day, I think it’s a fucking riot, I bet you will too. I use my real last name now in case you wondered. Maybe you need to mail bomb him until he lets me tell you. Oh, he’s going to hurt me when he reads I said that to you! That’s okay, I’ll flex my bicep and he’ll hurt his hand trying to hit me. See I can write bullshit with the best of them! Well I have bigger guns anyway. 💪🏼 😛

ONE MORE STORY TO CLEAR UP

Oh, I have one more story after reading “Chapter 5, Oh Shit, More Naked Boaters”. I read the comment from DirkC: “Seriously, what are the odds, unless this was officially called "Brokeback Lake," that you two would find another man/man couple AND they were naked???” And then my buddy’s reply too. So, I sat and thought about it to see if I could remember that day. 

Well, it wasn’t that hard to remember considering how many first times we were having back then. You should understand that Marc and I got over the being naked together thing fast, maybe because we’ve been buddy’s for so long, I guess. And I didn’t come there with the penis problem Marc was having, that’s just not a thing for me. Marc hardly talks about that anymore, maybe I hopefully helped him. 

I was having a real blast being free to be naked with him, besides, I like looking at him that way and I knew he was doing the same with me. Anyway, we did decide to wear our boxer shorts in the boat that morning. That’s how we were dressed when we first set out to the little cove that came with the cabin’s property. We could have stayed in the cove and fished just as well, so I don’t remember why we got out into the main lake. Marc was right in his reply, there are very few cabins near the one we rented. But we did strip our boxers off before we left the cove and that was my idea. I knew Marc was having this “grower” problem which I think is really silly, ever since I found that out about him, I’ve been trying to help him get over that. So maybe when we did notice another boat we didn’t totally panic. Okay I need to write that again. I didn’t panic. If someone doesn’t like what my dick looks like, who asked them anyway? If you choose dick size only to relate to us, we don’t need you in our lives. I can’t tell you that has always been a thought of mine, but after knowing Marcus fears, it became more real to me.

I noticed there was a tall guy standing in the boat and was probably fishing like us and they didn’t seem to be rowing though. I knew there was someone else sitting in the boat but couldn’t say if it was a woman or man. And as to them being naked or not, they were too far away to notice. But they noticed us and the standing guy waved at us. So, I waved back and didn’t expect anything more from them. My buddy was a little panicky though, sorry Marc, you were. And we all know why, but you didn’t quickly get dressed did you! I don’t think either one of us thought they’d start rowing over to our part of the lake. And we didn’t check on them all the time too, until we heard them much closer calling to us about joining us for a tie-up. Poor Markie started running through the possible ways we should look to them. I could finally see the tall guy was naked, but he was covered in black fur and looked like he had a shirt on to me. Later I could tell the one sitting was a guy too.

I know one thing very well now; my buddy had a big job writing these first chapters without me helping him. I had no idea Marc planned on anything more than a short fictional story-based a dream I only knew a little bit about. I’m amazed that he remembered so much detail. I don’t think he was taking notes on his iPhone, maybe he did once in a while. This meeting with the naked boaters he wrote about was pretty close to what happened though, I think Marc did a good job trying to write about it too. I remember the tall dude was furry like me, just not light haired. I remember now that it felt kind of good being naked with him, another furry guy that seemed to be proud of his looks, but he was a whole lot thinner than me. I remember how much grief I got from bully’s for being skinny as a kid. He seemed to be okay with being thin, maybe his giant cock made up for it. I can’t imagine having a cock that long and not being hard. I’m sure glad Marc’s not like him. The other guy was more average size like us, but I didn’t care, that’s them not us. If you were there with us, you’d see that my buddy wasn’t that cool about any of this and I could see why too.

I knew I had to do something about what I figured Marc was going through right then. I don’t personally care what you or they thought about my dick size, but Marc did about his back then from some of the talks we had while there. He didn’t write about what I did to him when they were tied-up with us, maybe it was too embarrassing for him at the time. While we were all standing in our own rowboats and talking, I decided to whisper in his ear about what I wanted to do with that frightened and shrunken dick of his, when we were able to lose them. And while I was telling him that, I had my right hand on his ass cheeks. And a very important middle finger was pushing against his asshole. I checked his tool while doing that, and it started to match the three of us average guys in less than a minute. Maybe that will let you know I wasn’t timid with Marc at all back then, I knew what I wanted from him.

DirkC, if you are reading this, I don’t know why any of the stuff that went down on that trip happened, maybe it was just time for us to get to the next level with a little help from our wives. I never questioned why there might be another couple of guys fishing naked on the lake that day, maybe because it was a quiet day there?  If we could feel safe that way, why couldn’t some other guys feel safe too? Maybe those guys were nudists? I can see why some of you could think that about us too. I would, knowing how much time we spend naked together. Being naked with Marc is my favorite thing to do with him. Well… maybe my second favorite. Maybe since so many months have gone by since that trip, and you know so much more about us now, that it’s easy to forget we were in the second day of our new open to each other life together. We were pretty straight acting dudes for several years before that trip though.

CLOSING THE DOOR BEHIND ME

I know Marc wrote that I talked about closing the door behind me when I decided to just leave my fucked-up life behind that weekend with him. I fucking meant it too. I can’t tell you where that strength came from but I’m sure it was him. I really was not embarrassed to be seen with those naked guys, and I wanted Marc to feel the same, even if he has to work on that. If you remember on the cruise, I let our new gay friends back into their room while we were still naked. Poor Marcus was trying to figure out why I did that when he wrote the chapter. He should have asked me instead of guessing. I was hoping they would catch us that way. Those two situations were really hot for me, it really got me turned on too. I’ve been sitting on a life I was never free enough to experience, and I hid it from everyone, even from myself. Marcus never knew that about me, but maybe he thought it though. Some things I’ve kept to myself until recently. I’m glad to get rid of these thoughts, I have a good reason now.

There was only one time that being naked in front of another guy that I didn’t feel that way, it was on the Sacramento River with Marc one day. A strange guy alone in his boat wanted to see my cruiser up closer. It was a mistake on our part letting him board my cruiser when he asked us if he could check her out. It turned out he had a lot more in mind than checking out the cruiser once he saw us sitting all naked, because he just stripped off his swim trunks too. I’m scrappy enough to take care of myself and Marcus too if needed, but something about him scared the crap out of me, it was just fucking weird with him. 

I don’t still know why we let him give us blow-jobs to this day. He could have been an axe murderer! Thankfully, he only had cock-sucking on the brain, and then we were still pretty horny ourselves at the time. But still that was the stupidest thing we ever did together. I guess the guy scored everything he wanted though once he boarded my cruiser. I still get the shivers thinking about that day. Never again!

So, what’s the deal with me being so comfortable naked in front of other people? Maybe after I shut that door behind me last year, I don’t give a shit anymore. I’m not sure if that’s true, but it does get me horny thinking about doing it. All the freedom of nakedness is new for me, and I like it. I like it a lot! Do you guys remember Marc’s birthday last year, who got naked first? Me and I don’t even drink anymore! I have no excuse to use except that’s the new fucking awesome me! My good buddy and the wives all followed me getting naked for the first time together that night. Marcus's stripping walk was fucking hilarious to watch, I never laughed so hard. Nothing like being a little drunk to lose your inhibitions I guess. Booze is not my excuse anymore, maybe just being with him is all I need to be who I am now.

Now I’ve got to get Marcus to think like me without the booze. That sounds strange since he got me to change my attitude, and he’s always naked around the house and yard. But that’s very private and easy to do at his place. Hey, don’t worry, I’m going to make that happen for him this year! He’s got a birthday coming up this month, and I’m getting him “Naked and NOT Afraid” at a nude beach one way or the other. Yeah, he has me hooked on that fucking TV show now too.

Maybe this is enough rethinking about us for a while. I hope Marcus likes what I wrote about today, and you guys do too. Thanks to my buddy for letting me do this again, and thank you for reading this far into my post too! Let me or Marcus know if you like me doing this in the blog. This is way more fun than working anyway! 

M. ”Larry” Janssen

Our Memorial Day BBQ with Our Wives and journal continues in Chapter 69:

https://brosgonerogue.blogspot.com/2020/06/ch-69-covid-19-finally-fucked-up-that.html