CH 90: Marcus Coming Out?

Hi guys, remember me, ‘Marcus the slacker’.

This chapter, number 90 (actually, it’s higher than that due to earlier numbering practices that didn’t work well.) That’s way more than I thought I had in me! It’s been four years and counting since the first BGR chapter was posted. I wasn’t thinking chapters at all, just a short story to see if I had any writing ability. Well, that short story took a few chapters to get told. So, that was going to be it, especially since we didn’t get many readers for the first month or so. But then I bravely asked a guy in the UK I met online, if he’d take the time to read my story and see if it was any good or not. He loved it and said he’d put a link on his very popular Tumblr feed to my blog. That changed everything overnight, I saw the numbers of readers getting higher and higher, one day over 10,000 pages read, and I didn’t have a clue who or where they came from. I was loving it, but I couldn’t find it in me to tell my co-star about what I was doing without his permission. I hadn’t told him that my story was done and now online. Even though I changed our names and gave little reference to where we lived, I was afraid he’d freak out. 

The fact that we had just come back from the best weekend I ever spent and found out that my best friend wanted what we experienced as much as me. Yeah, but considering the several years we’ve been best friends, yet never admitted our feelings to each other, chances are he’d ask me to take it down, like now! However, my burgeoning ego got the better of me, and I kept writing and posting, and writing and posting until there were at least 30 or so chapters online, and my best friend Mark was still in the dark. That was a killer to deal with, I wanted to brag to the world about my success as Marcus, not as Al, he needed to remain in the closet just as much as Mark. There were so many Bi-weekly coffee dates with him that I got that close to telling him about the blog, and then I didn’t. Every week that passed, the sheer number of chapters made the telling even harder. I guess that’s enough ‘old shit’ news, I put it in here because we get new readers with every chapter we post; this was for you guys, now you’ll need to go to the beginning pages to know the whole story.

THERE’S A GOOD STORY ATTACHED TO THIS CHAPTER
I’m not that sure exactly how I’ll approach this subject, but since I seem to have little difficulty writing about what’s in my head, maybe it will go easier than I think. If you’ve been reading Larry’s chapters, you know I’ve had a little difficulty, (oh yeah, little huh) with doing the one thing I’ve wanted to do for years now. And to be eclipsed by the love of my life himself, I’m more than devastated by my behavior. I wish I had a big eraser that I could use to just say, “never mind, I didn’t mean to do that to you.” Why is this so fucking hard to do, why can’t I just say, “Fuck it! I’m gay, just deal with it!” I do pretty much that around the house with no problem when it comes to Pops, Joe, even Aldo our grounds keeper whom I believe is still praying for me to change my fucking ways. I’ve been able to relate the relationship I have with Larry to Tony and Bill, which we’ve both have written about already. However, put me back into the company of those I’ve done business with for years on end, or those I’ve had the privilege of being in a leadership role in the company, and I do a complete melt-down. I’m smart enough to know why, but not smart enough to know how to fix the problem.

I hope this chapter will be the one thing I need to write as to work out the problem I’m dealing with currently. This blog is the one ‘safe place’ I have in life that I can count on. I said ‘place’ not person, Larry holds that spot. I can be myself with him, except I guess in front of the many people I’ve done business with. I’ll get to that and to the hold that Lisa has on me as well in this chapter. 

For those of you who have been living the dream for years, please wait for me, I’m trying to catch up to Larry and you. For those of you a lot like me, maybe this chapter will be painfully familiar to you.  For those of you, especially those that have gone through being ‘straight married’ and now ‘gay married’ you’ll understand coming out a little differently. We’ve both have reader friends of the blog that consider themselves as always been gay and had their own coming out difficulties, as well as men that buried their attraction to other men. I think I might be rambling at this point, so I better settle down and make a plan on how this chapter will be structured. This is the time I wish I was more like Larry and less like me; can’t I just stop with the camouflage I use to hide whom I really am for once and for all time. I read something from Michael, someone that we communicate with gladly outside the blog. He wrote this to me after reading my last chapter: 

“You really struck a nerve when you wrote that you realized that you are a closeted gay man.  That makes two of us (and many more of us).  I am so closeted I would need GPS to get out.”

Getting comments from you guys like this helps more than you might think. Thankfully, there are several of you that do this for us on a regular basis after a chapter is posted. For me, and I believe for Larry as well, it anchors us and makes what we are going through seem closer to normal; did I really dare to write “normal.”

Right now, in my head, this might be the shortest chapter I’ve ever written to date. But knowing me as I do, I’ll find a lot more to write about. So, get started already! The dinner date that Larry arranged for us would be a good place to start. I was not expecting what happened whatsoever. I was super-charged by the whole date and how it was designed. The limo ride, alone in the back seat not worrying about traffic, parking, goofballs on the road with us, just melting into the arms of the company I was keeping at the time. I am head-over-heal’s in love with that gorgeous man! If I thought, we could get away with getting all sweaty in that backseat I would have! (No, I wouldn’t, that’s just fantasy imaging.) However, we did put a lot of effort into the date, what we wore, and the scent of Armani’s Code which we both adore wearing. Unfortunately, that is a scent that only others can smell on us, so we watch how much is used, especially if we are both wearing it at the same time. I love the scent but my nose fatigues quickly wearing it. Oh well, that was only a part of our date, and here I am reminiscing about cologne. 

You’d think once I knew where we were going to dine for our date, it should have registered an alert in me, such as, “Oh no, that’s been our company hangout for years.” Yeah, you’d think that should have occurred to me the moment I heard about the plan. Well part of the plan was a surprise aspect as well. But no, just being with the man I wanted to be with was all that my mind could handle at the time. Had no one interrupted us that night, I’m sure our date would have gone perfectly well. I was looking at the most handsome and loving man in the universe right across from me at the table. Sometimes we sit side-by-side but not that night, we sat opposite each other. I so wanted to just kiss him right there, and if we were sitting together, I would have without giving a fuck who saw us, yes, that’s true, true in my head. And then, reality sets in and I’m not on a date, it’s a business dinner, negotiations will ensue shortly. The people I acknowledged in the restaurant with a nod or wave of the hand, was back to a reality I’ve known for years. Meeting and greeting JD and accepting his wine gift for the table was as normal as could be. It could have easily been me granting the gift instead of him. Larry couldn’t have begun to know how business had been done for years away from the office. Pops did a lot of it at the country club golf course. That’s not something for me since I’m not a golfer, I’d be the most laughable one on the course if I even tried! I suck at miniature golf; can you imagine me at a real 18-hole course! I’d excel at the 19th hole though, haha!

Well, reality came upon me as if I were thunderstruck, our date was so ruined, not in the least bit by my gorgeous date partner. I could see how my face must have looked to him after the table encounter with JD. I didn’t know how to back out of the situation gracefully, I tried to tell JD that we were on a date night, and it only came out as a business date night, I just know it from how JD handled my comment.

I was devastated, but I tried to pull it off for Larry the best I could. Hopefully, I did somewhat. We did have a lovely evening in spite of what happened. I’ve had time to reflect on that night for a while thanks to Larry taking over the writing for a while. I needed that time to myself for reflection, and the best part was getting to read what Larry can write about. I might be his biggest fan, but I know a few of you out there might want to challenge that! Go right ahead and support him full speed ahead! I still get to show him in person exactly how big a fan I am. You say, “that’s not fair”, huh? Oh well, what can I say? Haha.

THAT WAS THEN, THIS IS NOW

I hope that paints a small picture for you about the date night we both needed so badly, badly enough for Pops to get involved himself, arranging for a driver for the night. That’s so Pops, he always had a driver and when I was to meet him in the office, he had a driver come pick me up as well. I thought for years that he just didn’t know how to drive or was unsure of himself on the freeways. No, not at all, just a perk he chose for himself as President and CEO of the company. So, here I am filling in stuff not that necessary to the story once again. I’m beginning to think that’s my M.O. just deal with it and stop with the fake apologizing.

I’ve been buried in our office, that’s our former office, for a few weeks now. I have been trying to paint on my iPad every day, and sometimes it works, but not always. Thanks to digital, I can erase very easily. Big difference from painting on canvas for sure. One thing I haven’t done is write. Larry was correct saying that about me, I just needed a break. Not that I don’t love writing for you guys, because I do love it and communicating with those of you that write to us is the best part. There have been many who have written to us, and many who do not any longer. Perhaps they’ve said what needed saying and moved on. I miss writing them, too. Perhaps I miss the office as a place of work for so many years, and the quiet think tank that my pool offered me when I was here all by myself everyday while Lisa was off to work in Sacramento. I’m still not sure how I am handling being retired yet. I doubt I want to go back to work, I’d rather do what I’ve never had the time to do while working. Maybe that is writing a blog, maybe that’s why I’m writing my 90th chapter today. Maybe I love exposing myself this way to so many of you that are willing to read about our lives here in California.  I do know that I came out to everyone reading this journal four years ago. That was easy once I committed to doing it and not looking backwards. Coming out to everyone else, not so easy. Thankfully, the trip that Mark took with me to the lake cabin four years ago changed everything in both of our lives for the better.

To be honest with you, Larry, Pops, and anyone who gives a shit about me, I had come this close to a depression that scared me. I do believe the worst depression I had within memory was when I was recovering from my knee surgery, and I couldn’t get my dick hard for the life of me. It’s laughable now but not then, I was so sad for Larry, he was trying so hard and that damn dick of mine just flopped around on him. I can say flopped now since I had already lost some weight at that time, TMI? It can flop a lot better now with more pounds gone, haha! I’m sorry, I had to say that, even if it was only for me! Hey, I read Larry’s last chapter and he talked a lot about dicks, it’s my turn now! Haha.

I don’t understand any part of the coming out crap that we go through once the scary word ‘gay’ becomes a part of our lives. It was so easy for me to talk about it in the journal, I never talked about “coming out” exactly, but found myself describing some very sexy scenes between myself and Larry. I still haven’t discussed anything like that with Lisa or Ellen, or even Pops. Not sure if we ever will need to do so. Am I embarrassed about living as a gay man? Should I be? I know for a fact and have written a few times about it, “I played straight.” I knew about the attraction I had for guys, I also knew that when I did attempt my hand at it, I found the biggest creeps to do it with. I also know that I felt maybe that was all there was to being gay, out creep the other guy first, get your rocks off first and then fake your exit. That’s how it happened with me a few times. Did I ever get satisfied, no, never. Not until I was able to take care of business myself. 

When Mark moved in next door, there was no question in my mind, everything I put on hold forever about sex with men came busting out! Well, only in my mind, I was never going to let him know that. Let’s face it, the first thing that came to mind was not very good for him. Any guy that good looking had to be all about himself. What would he find in me to like, I was a little chunky in the middle, not that bad but not in his league. I knew I was going to make friends with him, if it was only to just look at him, he was such a turn on for me. And then when his dark glasses came off and I saw those incredible blue eyes of his, that was it. I’m surprised that I didn’t cream my pants right there and then, I’m fucking serious!

But he was nothing like I imagined of him at all. He was kind and he listened to me, and we connected quickly through our eyes. Mark never looked away from me when he talked to me, he looked right into my eyes, and I saw this beautiful spirit that was even more gorgeous than his exterior. That’s never gotten old for me, when we talk to each other, it never changed. That’s over a dozen years now, I’ve lost track of how many years, especially since everything changed for the best four years ago.

ALONE IN MY ROOM

I not saying that I’m totally over the shit I’m going through about myself yet. I should know how to fix this, but it still nags me to death! I remember not long ago, I got up before Larry and headed to the office thinking I could try painting something, not sure what, just something. Stop beating myself up over something that happened a while ago, something that really didn’t cause any trouble between us at all. Why can’t I forget it, or forgive myself? I have no idea. I didn’t even make any coffee, that ought to tell you how fucked up my head was, me and no coffee! Outrageous thinking! No, I didn’t want the smell to wake anyone, especially Pops whose bedroom is closer to the kitchen. I open my iPad and started the Procreate app I use for painting or whatever artsy thing I’m doing and sat and looked at my screen until my eyes started getting blurry. I don’t know what I was thinking about, but the next thing I know I was crying, not sobbing out loud, but I had real tears streaming down my cheeks that thankfully my beard soaked them up instead of my shirt. I was that way for quite a while too.

I remember hands on my shoulders rubbing them and my neck, I sure hoped it was my babe once I was aware. I had my head down on my folded arms on the desk for I don’t know how long, I think I dozed off for a while. There was nothing on my iPad screen drawn, it had turned off but was still opened from the keyboard case I use. It was Larry asking what was wrong, especially after seeing my eyes all red, I guess.  Couldn’t tell him why, I didn’t know myself. I have been so disappointed in myself since that encounter, I can’t shake it from memory. I’m not a coward, I can handle myself with the fiercest competitor in business; but this has been different.

Larry had me stand up for one of his memorable bear hugs; I certainly needed one because when he tried to break the hold, I held him even tighter. He was very accommodating though, it’s the least I can say, the man loves hugging people. Hopefully me most of all. I remember crying when he was holding me, I think that’s why I didn’t want to break the hold. He didn’t need to see me still that way. He did and he made me sit and talk to him for a long while. Just the two of us, Pops never checked in with us, probably thought we were getting into what he calls “frisky” with each other. Haha, no not then.

It didn’t take long for Larry to get to the bottom of my problem at all, it’s nice having a partner that is willing to do that for you. I tried to tell him it wasn’t the fact we were together in a place where I could run into people, I’ve done business with, not at all. I told him that I did tell JD that we were on a date, didn’t I? The guy didn’t understand maybe because I didn’t make it clear enough. Larry told me to zip-it! That’s not helping with the problem. He was right, it’s not helping. I don’t know if I was ready for what he said next though, “Are you embarrassed to be seen in public with me?” I didn’t want to hear that at all, not at all! I told him, “FUCK NO! Not at all, I love being out with you no matter where we go.” I don’t think he bought 100% of that though, considering what happened. I want to believe that, desperately want to believe that! I want us to be husbands together, not husbands in the closet together. It’s got to be a lot easier to live openly as a gay couple today than it was when Pops was our age. Why can’t I believe that? It must be more about the business I was a part of, not me personally, I hope it’s not about me that way.

I appreciated having Larry at my side trying to help me get through this, but there’s more, a lot more underlying this thing. I’ll try to let you into it the best I can, and I’m open for suggestions from those of you who have gone through something like this yourselves. There’s another party pulling at me from the opposite direction, and I bet you know who, and it’s not Pops, it’s Lisa. There’s a reason why she thinks I should be her ally in this thing so I’m going to let you into part of the problem I’m facing.

COMING FROM THE OPPOSITE DIRECTION

This is a hard one to deal with. Lisa has always been my best female friend from Grad School on and beyond. I had to add gender to the mix since Larry, formerly known as my best friend in the world Mark, has the starring role. I suspect that many of you reading our blog are convinced that our life situation is pretty screwy compared to most people. Or maybe we fit the “crazy Californians” picture many may have about us out here. You may be right; I don’t know of anyone in my acquaintances circle going through what we are going through. So, let’s move on, okay? 

I know I’ve mentioned this before in one of my chapters, Lisa and I were ‘study-buddies’ in Grad School while working on our MBA’s. I was attracted to the way she thought through problems that were thrown at us, how she presented herself and how very attractive she was. Of course, she certainly knew how to use makeup to her advantage. I think she is a very beautiful woman even without the makeup. And since I’m on the subject, Larry’s wife Ellen is very attractive as well. Both women know how to wow us when all decked out in their finest and ready to impress. I’m not going to discuss the relationship Larry has with Ellen today, that’s up to him to discuss if he wishes. As far as Lisa and I’m concerned, we are parting as best friends as always. I guess I owe you a little more than that, so you’ll understand why we are that way.

Please do not think we have discussed the sexual situation between the four of us, it is understood, and it stays that way. I’m not going to blame Pops for pushing me into marriage before I was ready again, however, I was aware of the image I was giving the company when I was seen with a different woman on every event we held. Remember, I’m a pro at ‘acting straight’ and being in the closet bisexual man. Yes, that’s what I believed I was, and I was not unhappy at the thought. Well, that’s a crock of shit, of course I was not happy. I was bisexual in concept only, I had no partners, no one-night stands, whatsoever. I had fantasies galore though. As good at keeping my secrets from everyone, Lisa was even better at that. I never suspected anything, perhaps because I was dealing with my own little closet situation to even pass a thought her way. We had sex together, a lot more when we were engaged and after marriage, however, Lisa was more into breaking through the glass ceiling, proving to herself and all that she was the best choice, but still had to face that she was a female in a ‘good old boys' network.’ 

As I have talked about before, Lisa had her nighttime routine and early bedtime. She had a very early rise and get the hell out of the house to beat the traffic situation. That was the excuse the got in the way of regular sex for us. I understood, and there was always the dick and hand relationship I had going from the first time I knew what a dick was capable of doing for me. So, I know it must appear that sex between Lisa and myself was never much of anything. Not necessarily true, but certainly reached that status once the fucking gorgeous blonde blue-eyed hunk moved in next door. Any fantasies I held before Mark moved in were completely obliterated and replaced by him. Now, do you really think I’m going to tell him that? Maybe some of you would, if you were in my shoes, but I wasn’t going to blow any chance I had of getting him to trust me and become my best friend. Yup, for several years too.

Well back to the Lisa and Al show. Lisa suspected that there was something more to Mark and my friendship that was ever talked about. Especially when Mark was in the hospital with a 60-40 chance given to him by his doctor. I spent every day in the hospital with him, hours on end until someone came to visit. I was there when he dozed off and I was there when he woke up, especially after his operation. We were new friends at the time, and I loved him to the moon and back and had to keep that to myself. Oh, he knew I loved him as a brother, we both felt the same way about each other by then. Lisa encouraged me to spend as much time as I could with him, work would still get done since I was working from home by then. Lisa told me that she would go next door to stay with Ellen while I was with Mark. I’m not sure exactly why Ellen didn’t spend as much time at the hospital as I did, perhaps Lisa was the reason. This happened many years ago, and there was nothing going on between Mark and myself, just two guys who loved being together, having coffee and sometimes a boat ride on the river together. Well, one thing was always there, and from the very first day we met each other in the side yard between our houses. A bear hug from him. My very first hug from a man ever. I wasn’t put off by it at all, felt a little awkward at first but that went away fast. I gave the hug right back to him. I told Lisa about the hug, I guess because it was something I had no experience with in my life. I think I wanted validation from her, it was okay, it’s normal. I don’t remember much more than that other than she thought it was probably a normal thing guys do. Well, little lady, I’m a guy and I never did it before, but I’m sure as fuck going to be doing it a lot more in the future. Haha. Funny how little things like that just pop up in memory when you need them. 

So, Lisa was on board with my friendship with Mark right from the start. It certainly worked well for her ‘very close’ relationship with Ellen for years. Unbeknownst to me, or Mark of course. I sometimes had wondered after knowing about the two of them if they planned on getting Mark and me together before they bought the house next door. If they did, they gave us both the best present ever!

To take this up to the moment, Lisa is still planning on buying Mark’s share of his house, so they’ll be little to worry about in their divorce. That will be resolved very soon. There is a problem with his boat, nothing that can’t be solved, she wants half the value, which is a considerable sum of money, but it will be worked out in the house purchase. They will be moving downtown once the loft is finished, it’s still under construction at this time. So, the boat must be moved from their side yard. He doesn’t want me to tear out any landscaping to house the boat, but he could use the driveway until we find a solution. Perhaps a better solution would be for him to park his beast of a truck in the driveway and put the boat in the garage instead. Makes sense to me, he never was able to put his truck in his garage next door because of the weight and wood working equipment housed in the garage. See problem solved. As was mentioned recently, if Pops gets his way, the boat will be replaced with a larger cruiser with a below deck you could live in style. Larry’s boat does have a below deck bed and head, not anything like Pops has in mind for him.

NOW FOR SOMETHING A LITTLE DIFFERENT

I haven’t really discussed this with you yet, Larry knows now though. It’s about my kids and Lisa. I’m not even sure I should be talking about this, but what the fuck, I talk about a lot worse most of the time. My kids have been out here, to this house, and they met Larry’s kids a very long time ago. I’m not even going to try and remember how long ago, okay. That’s not the story though, other than everyone was invited over for a BBQ and swim at my place. I don’t even remember the month other than it had to be one of the warm ones. There’s a reason for me forgetting as well. My kids didn’t seem to accept that I remarried and didn’t fix the broken marriage instead. They were still young but were very clear that they would not accept Lisa as a ‘stepmother,’ and really didn’t like her; perhaps hate was a more appropriate word for them.

It was very clear from the moment the kids stepped into the house, it’s scale, and the community didn’t compare with their home back East. They couldn’t grasp the concept of me living like this, especially with ‘her’ plus the fact that I really was only the caretaker of the house, and only working from a satellite home office. Perhaps I should clear something up for those new to the journal blog. I was living in the opposite side of the country as a high school art teacher, always broke and always fighting over money with my wife. I tried getting a weekend second job in a local grocery store, but when the school found out, it was quit the second job or lose my teaching job. I can’t even get into the anger that came over me at the time. I actually quit my job after finishing the contract with them. My marriage didn’t make it, nothing I tried worked. I packed a few things, boxed up my art supplies and shipped them out to Pops and his wife Ginny’s place in California. They had opened their house to me so I could get back on my own feet once again. Please don’t get the idea that I was a ‘deadbeat dad’ for my kids or ex-wife, I always sent them money, usually more than the court requested. 

I have no idea of what kind of hate spewed from their mother towards me, but whatever it was, it worked. I was hurt deeply knowing there was nothing that I could do to change their minds. I wasn’t going to bring up that I supported them, what kid would care where the money comes from, as long as it’s there. I do believe that it was disappointment that we couldn’t repair the broken marriage, I really had to believe that I don’t like to keep hate in my heart.

Well, that was a long time ago, and they couldn’t have an inkling of an idea as to the relationship I have with Larry now, or our plans to marry. I’m sure of one thing positive, they’d be happy to have Lisa out of the picture. I don’t know what she ever did or say to them, I do believe she is in the dark herself. She has no children of her own and probably will never have. She’s in her fifties now, a little late to start a family.

Writing about this period in my life made me think about how Larry reconnected with his son and fixed their relationship forever. I love his son Ryan, he and his family made our house a home last Christmas, I can’t wait to see them all again. I did not expect to be accepted as well as I was. Even Pops became an instant part of his family. Somehow, Ryan replaced what was missing in my life, I had let my memory fade from my family long ago. Perhaps one day I’ll try to reconnect with them, they certainly haven’t made any moves on their own. Now everyone is older, Lisa is out of the picture, however, now there is Larry who will be my husband one day soon. Knowing what I do about the area of the country where they live, I suspect that is something they might not want to accept. I don’t know for sure, but I have little hope.

I DID SOMETHING TODAY AND I’M PROUD OF MYSELF
One thing I know about myself that I can count on, if I want something bad enough, I’ll find a way to get it. I honed that craft at work, and I got very good at it. I’m surprised that I didn’t apply that knowledge to myself at home often enough. If you got this far into my story, you must know what is bothering me and needs to be addressed. I know Larry is an understanding man, but don’t push him into a corner. I can see how he would be thinking twice about marriage if I can’t prove I’m ready myself. That’s been a big part of my moping around and needing to figure out what I need to do to fix this. This morning it came to me, just like the sun came up, it was as simple as that, I knew what I had to do, and I wasn’t going to let myself talk me out of it, no sir.

I decided to call my friend, a man I’ve known for many years, and his wife as well. We’ve done business together and he and his wife have been to every one of our large parties. They were here for Lisa’s promotion party as well. Unfortunately, with the size of the crowd at that party, we didn’t spend any time together. A big down side of those kinds of parties, people are there to be seen and some do get a little business done as well. As the host, you don’t get a lot of time with each guest. And if any of you remember reading those chapters, there was a lot going on and Larry got hit hard by some busy body lady that I’ve never seen before, had to be a Lisa invite. The man I’m referring to is JD, the man who caused me the grief on our date night out. Oh, he was only being the friend he always has been, it was me who forgot that.

I have been thinking for weeks now that I had to pick at least one person to come out to, someone who I could only hope would try to understand and not go on an attack. I knew it had to be JD. I also knew I couldn’t just text him or do this on the phone, I needed to do this in person. So I called him and asked him if we could meet for coffee or lunch. Coffee was chosen if we were to meet on the same day. Oh yeah, it had to be the same day, any day in the future might make me back out of what I was planning on doing. You probably won’t believe this, maybe you will, we met at a McDonald’s for the coffee, it’s not that bad, actually pretty good coffee. Yes, that’s coming from someone who has been known to spend a fortune on Jamaican Blue Mountain Estate Coffee. Go figure! McDonalds was chosen because it happened to be close to where he was located in Roseville on some business. He didn’t mind grabbing a cheeseburger there if it ran into lunch time for him. He doesn’t know anything about my weight loss program and how I’ve stayed away from fast food places. I did not tell anyone what my plan was, just going to meet an old friend for coffee and I’ll be back soon enough. Frankly, I was still afraid that I could get cold feet and not go through with it and then need to explain my cowardice when I returned. I really was thinking that and that was the reason I didn’t say anything about my plan. I had to prove something to myself, that was it, that’s all. It had to be done. This meeting happened quickly, what a blessing. I was already dressed for leaving the house. Grab my keys, kiss my husband to be, and ask him if he wants anything from a store while I’m out. Nope, he was fine and didn’t question me other than say, have fun, but not too much fun! And laughed. This is not going to be fun, but he didn’t need to know that. At least I didn’t think so. I told him to tell Pops to text me if he wants something and I left one step after another. That was a long fucking walk to the garage, I think I counted every step along the way. I kept saying to myself, you can do this, you must do this. The words matched my steps to the garage. Once I was in the car, it got better; I just wanted it to be over.

I found JD in his car in front of the McDonald’s waiting for me. I went up to his driver side window and knocked on it. He was on his phone, doing something, texting perhaps? He put the phone away and stepped out of his car to meet my hand out for a shake; he said, shake is for business, hugs are for friends. So, we hugged but nothing like a Larry bear hug. It was a perfect thing for him to offer and I knew I picked the right person to do this with. We headed inside, ordered our large coffees, and found a quiet part of the dining room to sit and talk. The talk seemed to go on for too long, but there was a lot of catching up to do, and business talk to pepper in between family stuff. Eventually, he asked what I had in mind to talk about since I was the one asking him out to talk. I did everything I could think of to act as normally as I could, not sound nervous, or stammer any of my words. Check, I succeeded, but my pee wanted out badly, and I went before I left the house. So I excused myself for a minute, made a ‘old guy has to pee a lot’ joke which was met with, “You’re preaching to the choir dude!” Both of us laughing, and for me only on the outside. In the bathroom, drat no mirror over the sink, I was going to watch myself say “You can do this!” a few times. Well, there was someone in the toilet stall, so I just said it in my mind while I was peeing and again as I washed my hands. I was about as ready as I was ever going to be.

When I returned to the booth and JD, I told him that as my long-time good friend I wanted him to hear something directly from me, not someone else. That might not have been the best starting phrase because he quickly thought there was some devastating medical news I was laying on him. I told him to relax, it’s not that. It was nice to know that if it was, he would be concerned. Sure he would have been concerned; I would be if it was him. I didn’t jump right into the subject I had in mind, but I knew I could get there now. I told him that Lisa and I were getting a divorce, which was a shock to him, or at least he made it sound that way. I broke my trust with Lisa already since she didn’t want that knowledge out, but I had a plan in mind for that. I told him that Lisa wasn’t ready to let that information out just yet so please let her be the one to announce it herself. JD didn’t have a problem with that, but I know for fact his wife will drag it out of him sooner or later. They have been close friends of both of us for years, Lisa shouldn’t keep them in the dark. Obviously, we discussed the coming divorce for a while, but thankfully he never prodded me for the reason. I figured he’d be thinking irreconcilable differences a common divorce theme.

To change the subject and pull the proverbial bandaid off my not so hairy forearm, (a reference to Larry’s chapter) I brought up the date night I had with Larry and the generous gift of wine he sent to our table. I never told him I donated it though. He remembered that night very well and told me that his wife was wondering where Lisa was, and who that man with me was. Man, was he ever setting me up, had to take advantage of that right then. I told him that the man was named Larry Janssen, my next-door neighbor who was at Lisa’s promotion party as well. JD said, did he have a buzz cut or something back then, because the guy in the restaurant had blonde curly hair. I told him, he was right, he hates curly hair but puts up with me since I like it. Then he said that he didn’t think Larry was one of the regulars though.

I told him he should be aware that he is going to be a regular all the time now. But I didn’t tell him I have no plans on anymore large parties, period. He asked if there was something he should know about Larry, business-wise since I’m retired now. I laughed and said, “Not really, it’s for another reason.” Well this bandaid is not coming off so quickly, I decided to use an old business trick, just shut up and wait, see what he was going to say next. Well the trick works if only one knows about it, he knew what I was up to and was having no part of it.

So, I told him I picked him to be the person to hear something not easy for me to say. He was my friend and should know first. He thanked me once more, but still didn’t have a good idea yet. And then, after he spend some time staring at his paper coffee cup, he looked up at me and said, “Al, is there something going on between you and this Larry guy?” I said, “Yes.” I wasn’t the only one with a one-word comment, he hit me with, “Why?” I told him, “I love him, like I haven’t loved anyone before. And we’ve been living together for a long time now and plan on marrying each other.” Totally ignoring the marry comment, he asked, “Was that going on at Lisa’s party, has it been that long?” I had to tell him, “A lot longer than that and we want to get married.” JD wasn’t ready for all of that at one time, but it just came out of my mouth without filtering. He shook his head in disbelief for a moment, but that stopped, and he just looked at me. He saw my eyes getting watery and new this was difficult for me. He reached out across the table and placed his hand on top of mine for a while. I didn’t cry, I didn’t want to cry but it was emotional and maybe I’d be losing a good friend after this. And then it hit me, how many people will be told behind my back? That just made my eyes get even waterier. He wasn’t saying anything, just being quiet for a long moment; I started to panic inside, this could go so wrong. I trusted him, I don’t even know if he will still like me as a friend.

I couldn’t say anything at all, I figured I said more than enough already. JD finally broke the silence with, “Al, I don’t know what to say. Thank you. Thank you for your trust in me. I don’t know exactly how to feel but I can see how you are handling this though. I’m your friend Al, we are still friends, right? Are you happy? That’s all that counts.” I found my voice again and it was not normal sounding, but I was able to say something back to him. I told him I’ve never been happier in my life, and that Larry felt the same way. We are perfect for each other.”

JD was still not sure of what to say, but I was okay with what he said. I could see he was struggling as much as me. He managed to ask about Lisa, how she was taking all of this. I couldn’t fill all of that in for him and won’t, that’s Lisa’s job, she didn’t want the divorce out yet. I’m sure as fuck not going to be the one to out both Lisa and Ellen. They are on their own with that. I could see the man walking away with a totally blown mind if I did. I asked him if this news put our friendship in jeopardy. His response was,  “What? Of course not, why would I care what you do behind closed doors! And then tried to lighten it up with, “You do, do this behind closed doors, right?” Yeah, we needed the laugh. But sometimes we don’t, but he doesn’t need to know that, right.

We had spent more time in McDonald’s that we both figured upon, and that became evident when he looked at his watch and said that he needed to go, he had an appointment coming up. Asked me not to go anywhere while he went to the bathroom before he had to leave. I told him sure; I could wait, why not. As he left the bathroom, we headed out of the building together and walked over to our cars that were parked next to each other. JD gave me a hug and said, “See you later buddy, I really need to keep this appointment, too late to cancel.” I got it, he didn’t need to say any more, he’s a good friend after all.

JD’s ‘One Finger Salute’ as he left McDonald’s

After he was in his car, he rolled down his window and said, “Thank you Al, thanks for the trust.” And rolled up his window again not letting me say anything back to him. I don’t know what came over me, I stepped to his car and knocked on the window a couple of times, I planned on saying something back, a thank you or something, whatever came out of my mouth I thought, but he beat me to it. In a sing-song kind of voice he said, “I’ve got a gay friend, I’ve got a gay friend, now!” And just laughed and rolled up his window again. He still didn’t let me get a word out, however, I felt a giant smirk coming on as I shook my head at him and mouthed “You are an asshole, you know that, right?” He must have read my lips and re-opened his window once more and didn’t close it this time after saying, “Hey, I’m not that easy kind of guy you know.” And drove off flipping me the friendly finger, maybe it’s just a guy thing we do to each other. I could hear him laughing hard as he drove away.

I’m sure I let out a big breath of air after he left the parking lot. I was just leaning on my car at the time as I waved him off. I walked around to the drivers side of my car and got in but didn’t go anywhere. I just sat, head down looking at my lap for a while. I remember making sighing noises, maybe it was more like deep breathing, and I remember needing to wipe my eyes before they started to drip. That was intense, not that he made it that way, I made it that way myself. The only thought I had after he left was what if he was only saying stuff he thought I wanted to hear. What if he can’t wait to tell his wife about what he heard from the horse’s mouth; I know his wife well enough, she’ll get it out of him and then talk about a “broadcasting machine” when it comes to gossiping. I could only imagine the ridicule, the non-stop explanations I’d be making forever! I thought those thoughts until I told myself I’m a fucking idiot, just stop and breathe again! James and I go back a long way, I’m sure he was being honest with me. Of course, I won’t know for sure until something comes of it later, I guess you’ll be one of the first to know.

After waiting a bit longer than I expected, I told myself to go home and tell the love of my life what I just did, he will be proud of me. Yes, that’s what I did too, but first I turned my car radio up to a 20 somethings kind of volume, and sang along to the music, even if I didn’t know the lyrics, I just made them up, who’s going to fucking care? I sang, and I breathed, and sang louder, and I laughed and sang again. I was feeling what the weight off my shoulder felt like, even if it was only for a little while. Part of me wanted the trip home to not end, the feeling I had, to not lose the feeling, but another part of me couldn’t wait to be in the arms of the one person who makes me feel this way. Yeah…

Don’t be upset that I stopped here, there’s more, a lot more to talk about, but let me live with it for a while before I write about it. Thank you for reading what I had to say and being our support system.

Love you guys.

Here is a link to the next posting:

https://brosgonerogue.blogspot.com/2023/06/ch-91-something-different.html